Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
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[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Damn he played himself
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.