Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
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When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Hey! This isn’t my car!
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.