Sorry not sorry.
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My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Cannot stop laughing at this
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
oh good, now I can stop drinking
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”