Sorry. Not sorry
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“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
If you know, you know
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.