‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
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“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]