Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
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I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.