Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

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My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.


Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.


Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?


Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.


My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁


I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.


Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.