Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
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Ha
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job