Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.