Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
You Might Also Like
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
#CatsOnTwitter
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday