“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
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The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion