Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
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“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
“We will wed,” I threatened
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.