Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
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Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Thursday Thought.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.