Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
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My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
me linking you to my twitter
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”