Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.