Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.