Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
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Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Terribly Tuesday.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.