Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
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Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I can fix him.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds