Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
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Need WebMD
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
This is hilarious….
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.