Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
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Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?