@Overdue_Bills

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

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@TrophyCatas

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

@Scorpio1080

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

@NickLMao1

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

@GensPlace

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

@t0iletcat

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

@ka_waltz

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

@hoedeehoe

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

@FrogAvalanche

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

@tastefactory

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.