Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
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SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.