Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
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Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
What a chick magnet..
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.