Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
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Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.