sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
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Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
im 7 sauces long
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic