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2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Yup.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho