[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
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I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Perfect
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.