SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
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[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows