Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
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Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma: