Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
My neck my back my allergy attack
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.