Sounds about right! 💯
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[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats