Sounds about right. 😂🤣
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When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
ACED my prostate exam!
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
buying dead houseplants to save time
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Mistakes were made
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.