sounds kinky. i’m in.
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Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.