Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
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When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Finally a use for spoilers…
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
My last name is Zilla.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.