Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
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Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”