Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
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Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
What?!?
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.