Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
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WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I hate when that happens.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*