“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
You Might Also Like
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!