space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
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It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
My neck, my back, my…
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
The only equipped I am is ill.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis