[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
You Might Also Like
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
how it started vs how it ended
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.