*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
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ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded