@fro_vo

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

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@ashmensch

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

@panmidwest

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

@Skullcat

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

@Sophie2078

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

@rickkondell

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

@AdamBroud

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

@3sunzzz

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

@clichedout

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded