[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
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doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
How I’d get arrested…
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
*puts my mental health in rice
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?