@generaldietz

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

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@LuckoftheDraw86

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

@geowizzacist

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

@exhaustedplantt

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

@_Kim_Jongun

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

@bransonreese

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

@joshandbeyond

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

@TheBoydP

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

@joejwest

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

@mommy_cusses

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

@AmishSuperModel

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.