@BigJDubz

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

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@bearcub577

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

@LackOfShame

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

@daemonic3

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

@TheBoydP

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

@PRESTONinCOLOR

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

@

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

@Try2StopME

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

@Bipartisanism

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

@suntzufuntzu

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

@Brianhopecomedy

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.