No one: I can hear screaming

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A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.


[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.


Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND


Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?


Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.


Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”


Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.


“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama


“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.


To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.