Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad