@BigJDubz
@bearcub577 A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
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@bearcub577 
@LackOfShame [at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
@daemonic3 Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
@TheBoydP Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
@PRESTONinCOLOR Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
@Try2StopME Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
@Bipartisanism “Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
@suntzufuntzu “What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
@Brianhopecomedy To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.