@DaddyJew

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

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@perlhack

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

@TechnicallyRon

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

@yourlovemuscle

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

@VodkaShorebird

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

@SondraDeeMe

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

@mydmac

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

@OllyiConic

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.