Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
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Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.