Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
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When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though