Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

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Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends


Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.


Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.


I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”


If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.


I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.


Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.