Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
You Might Also Like
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
For the baby who has everything
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no