Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
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Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!