Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
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Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste