ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
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Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.