@awkwardphilippe ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
@markedly Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
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@awkwardphilippe 
@XplodingUnicorn Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
@schumoo When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
@GinAndJif If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
@chelseaanet The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
@YSylon Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
@thepaulasuzanne My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
@prettysadmostly i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
@KarenKilgariff compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
@Chandio_Pablito I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.