Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

May have had one breakfast too many

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

secret recipe

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou