“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
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The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up