[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
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snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
The Joker was right
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?