[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
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Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Only Americans understand
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey