Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!