Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.